JC's Famous Visa Run Story in its entirety

I've been that busy re-enacting the JC's Visa run story for the Phuket Hash House Harriers, that I haven't had a chance to actually write it up yet! It's funny as hell though, so keep checking.

One day three fellas - A Yorkshireman, an Australian and a Scouser (it already has the makings of a great joke doesn't it?!) - all Hash House Harriers, of course, decide to go get their visa's renewed for Thailand. Lets call them Sharpie, JC & Saggy Ba**s (John). The way that it works here, is that every so often, you have to leave the country after anytime between 4 weeks and 6 months, depending on your visa. So, at this time folk can either fly to Singapore or Malaysia (not cheap), go by minibus to Malaysia (cheap but very long) or go up to the Burmese border at Ranong (relatively cheap, but not as long). So, as JC was driving, we chose the latter.

Our trip up there was an enjoyable as 3 hours in a pickup could be. When we arrived, we checked out at the Thai Immigration Office. Clear now to go to the Burma. The next step is to get in a long tail boat & they will take you across the water about 1km to the 'Customs House' on the Burmese side. I sue the term lightly, because the 'Customs House' turns out to be a concrete hut on stilts, sticking out into the water! You then pay your $5 & get your entry into Burma.

Then we went into the town over there to grab some cold beers and duty free. A grand day out so far. We had a few more and bought our duty free & returned to the Thai side. Back to immigration again and all ok. Until....  We leave emigration and get 200m and get pulled over by a guy with important bits on his shoulders - I think they call them stripes. He questioned us about the  booze we had & mentioned whisky. We laughed & said, nah it's just beer mate - thinking this was fine. Apparently now. The limit - only through that border - is "2 litres of liquor". Again we protested innocence - It's beer & not liquor!!  He wouldn't have it though. By this time JC was getting twitchy & adopted the usual Thai method of solving things. "How much to make the problem go away officer?". Still he wouldn't have it & insisted we go back to the Customs House - for the sake of 4 crates of beer!

So, off we went like naughty schoolboys the the customs house. Man they were out for some meat & would not let it go. We had the Captain, the Sergeant, an interpreter plus the guy who had nicked us!! Anyway they wanted to fine us 3000 baht (about 50 quid) for all this! - a 1000 each. After much wrangling it was clear they wouldn't let it drop. By now JC was spitting feathers & Saggy was doing his best to calm him down. Meanwhile I'm trying to play Mr Negotiator (not my strong point, but in comparison I was the best option!). All Thais when in confrontation smile at each other, so I thought I'd do the same - whilst thinking much much stronger words for the occasion.

I pointed out to them that as it was only one person who had paid for the beer & we hadn't settled up yet, then surely it's only 1000 baht.  They went for that - and still JC is whingeing. Oh for a baseball bat, because by that time I could feel a night in the slammer coming on. I'm not sure what the story was, but they did it all officially & gave me a receipt and everything - in fact they gave us much more.....

Once they'd released us & we set off - JC still moaning, I said, cheer up - next time you need a pen, which one would you like?..... I'd grabbed the immigration official's, the desk Sergeant, the customs guy's & right in front of all of them at the desk - The police Captain's !!   Small beer - but what the heck. "That's nothing", said Saggy. He then pulled out a medal band (the strips with all the colours on them). Whilst the plonker who had pulled us was grovelling about in the pickup looking for contraband, he dropped his medal strip! Saggy had seen it & picked it up & wanted to see our outcome before pointing it out. Do you think we told him after that? Did we f**k!

So, off we went 1000 baht lighter, but with a bit of a story to go with it. Can I borrow your pen?